I already hate the title of this post. Of course nightmares aren't real. Isn't that what my mother would reassure me as she shook me awake on those terrifying nights? Waking up in a cold sweat, I'd finally realize oh, it was just a dream. I'd tell my mom about the dream, we'd identify those fears, and I'd go back to sleep in peace.
This morning, I awoke at 2:48 to my 2 year old screaming on the monitor. (Yes, we still use the monitor. Don't judge me). I jerked awake and went into Soldier Mommy Mode, albeit a fourth watch, exhausted soldier...but a soldier, nonetheless. Walked into her room and immediately knew that she was having a nightmare. When Cola has a nightmare, she's completely inconsolable. Nothing seems to soothe her. It's proven that time and time again, the only thing that seems to work is asking questions and being present. She doesn't understand that it's just a dream. To her, it's still very real. Very strong. Very very scary. So I ask the same three-five questions over and over again. In different ways and in different tones until something snaps. The whole time, trying to remain aware of just how very real these emotions are for her. So here's how tonight went.
Mind you, many of these are repeated over and over again.
Round 1
"Are you sad or does your tummy hurt?" No
"Do you want me to change your diaper?" No
"Want Mommy to lay down with you?" No
"Do you want me to lay with you, or hold you?" No
"Do you want me to sing to you in your bed or in the chair?" No
Round 2
"Does your tummy hurt?" No
"Do you want Mommy to leave?" No
"Do you want me to lay down with you?" No
"Can I sing to you?" No
"Do you want some water or your bear?" No
"Can I lay down with you?" Ok
But she changed her mind. She did not, in fact, want me to lay down with her.
Round 3
"Are you sad?" No
"Do you want me to hold you?" No
Over and over again, with the questions and the crying. My kid was stuck, and so was I. In the dark of the morning, laying in a crib that was not built for my hips.
So I decided a new approach. I got out of the crib, picked her up, and held her while I sang various songs she loves. Holding her felt like carrying an ironing board through the rain. My t-shirt was wet with tears, she was so tense and resistant, and I couldn't see to save my life. We sat in the chair and I continued to sing while holding my sad little ironing board:( It was breaking my heart. I wish she understood that she's safe and I'm here.
After half an hour, she fell asleep in my arms while I sang "Deep in the Heart of Texas". I new song she'd never heard. This was after I had asked 2 more rounds of questions, gently massaged her head, and gave her a few gentle ultimatums.
The song isn't what worked. The massages and the ultimatums aren't what calmed her. It was time. She just needed time.
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I find myself struggling to wake up from my own nightmares, sometimes. I feel stuck in my thoughts. I know that my perspective is NOT reality, but I just can't help but feel petrified and incapacitated. Those emotions, coupled with the anxiety and panic seem so very real to me in the moment. I ask God to help me, but I feel so alone. I don't even recognize that He's right there in that situation with me, asking questions and being present. My fears, my worries, the uncertainties of the nightmares in my life- I mix it up with reality. My reality should be that I'm safe and He's here. So it takes time.
Someone in your life is going through a nightmare of their own. At a glance, it seems ridiculous, but for them- it is so very real. Are you asking questions and being present? Are you allowing them time to heal or are you rushing them to move beyond the nightmare without reassuring them "you're safe. I'm here"? So many of our loved ones and dear friends are stuck in these situations they didn't ask for. Some of them are experiencing the nightmare of knowing that their situations are because of them, and what a scary thing that is as well. We are not called to wake them up. We are called to be with them and to soldier through those moments, like watchmen in the night.
As a parent, I always feel like Jared and I are always alternating "watch duty" in the evening. Colette has always struggled with night issues on and off. This morning, I was curious so I googled the various forms of the word and their context.
watch- 1.to look at or observe intently over a period of time.
2.keep under careful, protective, or secret observation
3.follow closely or maintain an interest in
4. exercise caution or restraint about
5.look out, or be on alert for.
6. be careful
7.remain awake for the purpose of religious observation.
and my favorite 8. a body of soldiers, making up a guard
Here are some religious references to the word (for you nerds, like me):
Third Watch. (The Breaking of Day Watch from 12:00 A.M. to 3:00 A.M.) This is a period of much spiritual activity. This watch hour will strengthen your faith. It is the same time that Peter denied Christ three times.
Fourth Watch is defined by the Roman watch as a time spanning from 3am – 6am. Biblically, strategic events take place particularly during the night and early morning hours/watches: Jacob wrestled with God and met Him face to face just before entering into his destiny as Israel.
All throughout scripture, God uses people in specific times to keep watch. The shepherds watched their flocks by night, the Israelites kept watch over the city gates, the disciples kept watch while Jesus retreated for prayer, the soldier kept watch over the tomb where Jesus laid, we are to be on alert for the coming of the Lord as well as the thief in the night, and in Hebrews, we're told that our leaders "keep watch over our souls".
So someone needs you just like my sweet baby girl needed me tonight. We all have a part to play in this body of Christ. I know you're tired and you have nightmares of your own, but you're not alone in this. We're all in this together. So I pray that you get some rest, knowing that I'm taking the first watch.
With Love,
Kari
