I already hate the title of this post. Of course nightmares aren't real. Isn't that what my mother would reassure me as she shook me awake on those terrifying nights? Waking up in a cold sweat, I'd finally realize oh, it was just a dream. I'd tell my mom about the dream, we'd identify those fears, and I'd go back to sleep in peace.
This morning, I awoke at 2:48 to my 2 year old screaming on the monitor. (Yes, we still use the monitor. Don't judge me). I jerked awake and went into Soldier Mommy Mode, albeit a fourth watch, exhausted soldier...but a soldier, nonetheless. Walked into her room and immediately knew that she was having a nightmare. When Cola has a nightmare, she's completely inconsolable. Nothing seems to soothe her. It's proven that time and time again, the only thing that seems to work is asking questions and being present. She doesn't understand that it's just a dream. To her, it's still very real. Very strong. Very very scary. So I ask the same three-five questions over and over again. In different ways and in different tones until something snaps. The whole time, trying to remain aware of just how very real these emotions are for her. So here's how tonight went.
Mind you, many of these are repeated over and over again.
Round 1
"Are you sad or does your tummy hurt?" No
"Do you want me to change your diaper?" No
"Want Mommy to lay down with you?" No
"Do you want me to lay with you, or hold you?" No
"Do you want me to sing to you in your bed or in the chair?" No
Round 2
"Does your tummy hurt?" No
"Do you want Mommy to leave?" No
"Do you want me to lay down with you?" No
"Can I sing to you?" No
"Do you want some water or your bear?" No
"Can I lay down with you?" Ok
But she changed her mind. She did not, in fact, want me to lay down with her.
Round 3
"Are you sad?" No
"Do you want me to hold you?" No
Over and over again, with the questions and the crying. My kid was stuck, and so was I. In the dark of the morning, laying in a crib that was not built for my hips.
So I decided a new approach. I got out of the crib, picked her up, and held her while I sang various songs she loves. Holding her felt like carrying an ironing board through the rain. My t-shirt was wet with tears, she was so tense and resistant, and I couldn't see to save my life. We sat in the chair and I continued to sing while holding my sad little ironing board:( It was breaking my heart. I wish she understood that she's safe and I'm here.
After half an hour, she fell asleep in my arms while I sang "Deep in the Heart of Texas". I new song she'd never heard. This was after I had asked 2 more rounds of questions, gently massaged her head, and gave her a few gentle ultimatums.
The song isn't what worked. The massages and the ultimatums aren't what calmed her. It was time. She just needed time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I find myself struggling to wake up from my own nightmares, sometimes. I feel stuck in my thoughts. I know that my perspective is NOT reality, but I just can't help but feel petrified and incapacitated. Those emotions, coupled with the anxiety and panic seem so very real to me in the moment. I ask God to help me, but I feel so alone. I don't even recognize that He's right there in that situation with me, asking questions and being present. My fears, my worries, the uncertainties of the nightmares in my life- I mix it up with reality. My reality should be that I'm safe and He's here. So it takes time.
Someone in your life is going through a nightmare of their own. At a glance, it seems ridiculous, but for them- it is so very real. Are you asking questions and being present? Are you allowing them time to heal or are you rushing them to move beyond the nightmare without reassuring them "you're safe. I'm here"? So many of our loved ones and dear friends are stuck in these situations they didn't ask for. Some of them are experiencing the nightmare of knowing that their situations are because of them, and what a scary thing that is as well. We are not called to wake them up. We are called to be with them and to soldier through those moments, like watchmen in the night.
As a parent, I always feel like Jared and I are always alternating "watch duty" in the evening. Colette has always struggled with night issues on and off. This morning, I was curious so I googled the various forms of the word and their context.
watch- 1.to look at or observe intently over a period of time.
2.keep under careful, protective, or secret observation
3.follow closely or maintain an interest in
4. exercise caution or restraint about
5.look out, or be on alert for.
6. be careful
7.remain awake for the purpose of religious observation.
and my favorite 8. a body of soldiers, making up a guard
Here are some religious references to the word (for you nerds, like me):
Third Watch. (The Breaking of Day Watch from 12:00 A.M. to 3:00 A.M.) This is a period of much spiritual activity. This watch hour will strengthen your faith. It is the same time that Peter denied Christ three times.
Fourth Watch is defined by the Roman watch as a time spanning from 3am – 6am. Biblically, strategic events take place particularly during the night and early morning hours/watches: Jacob wrestled with God and met Him face to face just before entering into his destiny as Israel.
All throughout scripture, God uses people in specific times to keep watch. The shepherds watched their flocks by night, the Israelites kept watch over the city gates, the disciples kept watch while Jesus retreated for prayer, the soldier kept watch over the tomb where Jesus laid, we are to be on alert for the coming of the Lord as well as the thief in the night, and in Hebrews, we're told that our leaders "keep watch over our souls".
So someone needs you just like my sweet baby girl needed me tonight. We all have a part to play in this body of Christ. I know you're tired and you have nightmares of your own, but you're not alone in this. We're all in this together. So I pray that you get some rest, knowing that I'm taking the first watch.
With Love,
Kari
Thursday, March 21, 2019
Sunday, February 3, 2019
The Stacks of Life
Yesterday, after attending an all day retreat, I came back to my humble home and family saturated in blessings and encouragement. My poor husband, ya'll. It was like the scene from Cinderella when she comes back from the ball in a daze and the step mother can't figure out what she's up to. She's paying zero attention to what's going on around her as she sways and sings all the way up to her room. But instead of a room- I plopped down on the couch:)
Later in the evening- I couldn't stop talking! I couldn't stop being amazed at what God was doing in my life, how fortune I was, and how very anxious I am for the future. Jared was happy to hear all that I was experiencing, and we talked about it late into the night. Then again in the morning, and on the way home from church this afternoon. Unloading the groceries, I felt grateful for what we had. Like a deaf man hearing birds chirp for the first time, I was suddenly awakened to my new sense of gratitude and peace. It's not that we didn't know the birds were there- it's just that we weren't able to fully experience them. I don't even have the words to describe what I'm trying to convey for you right now. So many new sounds. So little time.
I unpacked the groceries and put them away. Then I sat on the floor of my kitchen and my almost 2 year old came down and sat right beside me, saying "Hi, Mommy" with the sweetest of smiles as she cuddled into my side. I closed my eyes, put my hands around her tiny little body and prayed a whispered "thank you".
I looked up at the counter and noticed the odds and ends that covered the kitchen counters. Everything out of place. Random, and I mean totally RANDOM items were all around. I thought to myself how did that get there? It's so random. Why didn't we just put it where it belonged? How do these things managed to get stacked like that? No wonder I can never find anything.
The moment with my daughter had passed, and I rose thinking about the clutter. I expressed my thoughts to Jared and we laughed as I told him "There's a sermon in that". Which is something I find myself thinking a lot, lately. God is in this moment. What's He showing me?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can never find a pen. No wonder. Looking at the picture above, I can see why. It's way at the back of the counter, blocked from view by the detangler, hair brush, unused wallet, broken pencil, and a load of other things.
What happened to the check I got in the mail? Ummmmmm- no idea. It wasn't something I thought to put up because the counter was clear at the time. I didn't know all of these other things would pile up.
Can't we put the baby monitor in the same place each time? I never know where it is! It's like having a 5th remote! And the iphone charger. How am I supposed to see that when it's buried under paper towels and oven mitts?!
These, my friends, are The Stacks of Life. We can play The Blame Game and say that the mess is because of everyone else- but just for today, I want to be honest with myself and take ownership for the stacks that I know are mine.
I can relate each of these items to a personal struggle that I carry. Somehow, I believe that Jesus is showing me that I need to stack more carefully. I need to organize my heart.
I can never find my courage because it's hidden at the back of my heart. Blocked by fear, worry, anxiety, and past hurts.
I can't remember the encouragement my husband gave me this morning because I placed it nonchalantly in my heart without really recognizing it's value. On top of his words, I stacked a discouraging text, a disappointing bit of information about a family member, and my insecurities about my weight. No wonder I couldn't find kind words to repay him later on that evening.
Why can't we keep God's truths in our hearts for when these things pile up? How are we supposed to find truth buried underneath the weight of darkness and lies? God, help us organize this mess!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the proper places for these things? Where can I set these things that life hands to me?
If it's anything like my house, and I'm seeing that it SO very much is, then I have two choices.
Place it in a basket and put it upstairs or take it to it's proper place.
Sometimes I put the things labeled in my mind as "I have no idea what to do with this" in a small laundry basket and I take it upstairs for the time being. I don't have the brain power to deal with it right now, so in the basket- it goes. Then little by little it finds a place. Sometimes it takes just a day. Sometimes months... and let's be honest... sometimes it gets thrown in a closet and I don't see it for a year!
Can't we do this with the Stacks of Life most commonly known as our "junk"? We don't know where it goes. We don't know what to do with it, and we definitely can't make much sense of it in our current state of mind. We don't want it out there for all to see and for people to trip over. We want it tucked away somewhere until we can fully find a place for it. Can't we "take it upstairs"... to the "man upstairs", and put it at the feet of God Almighty? Wow. What a safe place for it to be, right? I'm excited now.
Or if it's something that I've put up before, and I have a place for it- why not take the time to put it in it away? Brushes go in the bathroom. Jewelry goes back in the box on my dresser, pens go in the pen box... (yes. I have one), and the broken pencils should have been thrown away a long time ago.
You know where some things go. You know that your joy should be thrown back into your family. You know that your brokenness can be shared with both Jesus and a dear friend whom you trust. You know that the attention you seek on social media could easily be supplied by your loving husband if you'd just take a minute to accept his embrace. Of course Jesus will hold anything you want Him to hold, but He's also given us vessels on earth that provide us with proper places to set our things back down. Some things, dear friends, should have been thrown away a long time ago. Cast out and removed from our hearts. Those toxic relationships, those Netflix shows that you only watch alone, or the sarcasm you keep jabbing at your loved ones. Throw it out. Put these things in their proper place and clear the counter.
May we find God easily when we look for Him. May His words be hidden in our hearts and His praises ever be on our tongues.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.- Matthew 11:28
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me- Psalm 51:10
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.- Jeremiah 29:13
I have hidden your word in my heart, so that I might not sin against you- Psalm 119:11
Father we come to you today, asking you to help us deal with our stacks. We praise you for All of your works that are happening around us, and we ask that you'd do the same in our hearts. We ask that you'd give us the strength to place our whole lives in your hands. Give us the diligence to seek out proper places to lay down our struggles and share our burdens with one another. Let us find new ways to disperse the distractions in our lives, trusting that your truth will be seen amidst the clutter. May the heart of our homes be cleared of all things that would hide your love and your precepts away. May we always find kindness. May we always find grace. May we always find YOU. Enter our homes and our hearts. Clear out our spirit and make room for Your love to sweep through, covering everything in it's path. We love you, Lord. We welcome You to come have Your way in us.
Later in the evening- I couldn't stop talking! I couldn't stop being amazed at what God was doing in my life, how fortune I was, and how very anxious I am for the future. Jared was happy to hear all that I was experiencing, and we talked about it late into the night. Then again in the morning, and on the way home from church this afternoon. Unloading the groceries, I felt grateful for what we had. Like a deaf man hearing birds chirp for the first time, I was suddenly awakened to my new sense of gratitude and peace. It's not that we didn't know the birds were there- it's just that we weren't able to fully experience them. I don't even have the words to describe what I'm trying to convey for you right now. So many new sounds. So little time.
I unpacked the groceries and put them away. Then I sat on the floor of my kitchen and my almost 2 year old came down and sat right beside me, saying "Hi, Mommy" with the sweetest of smiles as she cuddled into my side. I closed my eyes, put my hands around her tiny little body and prayed a whispered "thank you".I looked up at the counter and noticed the odds and ends that covered the kitchen counters. Everything out of place. Random, and I mean totally RANDOM items were all around. I thought to myself how did that get there? It's so random. Why didn't we just put it where it belonged? How do these things managed to get stacked like that? No wonder I can never find anything.
The moment with my daughter had passed, and I rose thinking about the clutter. I expressed my thoughts to Jared and we laughed as I told him "There's a sermon in that". Which is something I find myself thinking a lot, lately. God is in this moment. What's He showing me?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can never find a pen. No wonder. Looking at the picture above, I can see why. It's way at the back of the counter, blocked from view by the detangler, hair brush, unused wallet, broken pencil, and a load of other things.
What happened to the check I got in the mail? Ummmmmm- no idea. It wasn't something I thought to put up because the counter was clear at the time. I didn't know all of these other things would pile up.
Can't we put the baby monitor in the same place each time? I never know where it is! It's like having a 5th remote! And the iphone charger. How am I supposed to see that when it's buried under paper towels and oven mitts?!
These, my friends, are The Stacks of Life. We can play The Blame Game and say that the mess is because of everyone else- but just for today, I want to be honest with myself and take ownership for the stacks that I know are mine.
I can relate each of these items to a personal struggle that I carry. Somehow, I believe that Jesus is showing me that I need to stack more carefully. I need to organize my heart.
I can never find my courage because it's hidden at the back of my heart. Blocked by fear, worry, anxiety, and past hurts.
I can't remember the encouragement my husband gave me this morning because I placed it nonchalantly in my heart without really recognizing it's value. On top of his words, I stacked a discouraging text, a disappointing bit of information about a family member, and my insecurities about my weight. No wonder I couldn't find kind words to repay him later on that evening.
Why can't we keep God's truths in our hearts for when these things pile up? How are we supposed to find truth buried underneath the weight of darkness and lies? God, help us organize this mess!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the proper places for these things? Where can I set these things that life hands to me?
If it's anything like my house, and I'm seeing that it SO very much is, then I have two choices.
Place it in a basket and put it upstairs or take it to it's proper place.
Sometimes I put the things labeled in my mind as "I have no idea what to do with this" in a small laundry basket and I take it upstairs for the time being. I don't have the brain power to deal with it right now, so in the basket- it goes. Then little by little it finds a place. Sometimes it takes just a day. Sometimes months... and let's be honest... sometimes it gets thrown in a closet and I don't see it for a year!
Can't we do this with the Stacks of Life most commonly known as our "junk"? We don't know where it goes. We don't know what to do with it, and we definitely can't make much sense of it in our current state of mind. We don't want it out there for all to see and for people to trip over. We want it tucked away somewhere until we can fully find a place for it. Can't we "take it upstairs"... to the "man upstairs", and put it at the feet of God Almighty? Wow. What a safe place for it to be, right? I'm excited now.
Or if it's something that I've put up before, and I have a place for it- why not take the time to put it in it away? Brushes go in the bathroom. Jewelry goes back in the box on my dresser, pens go in the pen box... (yes. I have one), and the broken pencils should have been thrown away a long time ago.
You know where some things go. You know that your joy should be thrown back into your family. You know that your brokenness can be shared with both Jesus and a dear friend whom you trust. You know that the attention you seek on social media could easily be supplied by your loving husband if you'd just take a minute to accept his embrace. Of course Jesus will hold anything you want Him to hold, but He's also given us vessels on earth that provide us with proper places to set our things back down. Some things, dear friends, should have been thrown away a long time ago. Cast out and removed from our hearts. Those toxic relationships, those Netflix shows that you only watch alone, or the sarcasm you keep jabbing at your loved ones. Throw it out. Put these things in their proper place and clear the counter.
May we find God easily when we look for Him. May His words be hidden in our hearts and His praises ever be on our tongues.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.- Matthew 11:28
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me- Psalm 51:10
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.- Jeremiah 29:13
I have hidden your word in my heart, so that I might not sin against you- Psalm 119:11
Father we come to you today, asking you to help us deal with our stacks. We praise you for All of your works that are happening around us, and we ask that you'd do the same in our hearts. We ask that you'd give us the strength to place our whole lives in your hands. Give us the diligence to seek out proper places to lay down our struggles and share our burdens with one another. Let us find new ways to disperse the distractions in our lives, trusting that your truth will be seen amidst the clutter. May the heart of our homes be cleared of all things that would hide your love and your precepts away. May we always find kindness. May we always find grace. May we always find YOU. Enter our homes and our hearts. Clear out our spirit and make room for Your love to sweep through, covering everything in it's path. We love you, Lord. We welcome You to come have Your way in us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)