10:48am
As I sit down to write this one thought, Colette is on the floor throwing a tantrum for the 3rd time today, and the song "In Control" by Hillsong is playing in the background. What a necessary reminder.
I lift my hands to heaven, hear our hearts surrender
I tell my soul again- you are Lord of all
So let me get this thought down and then get back to my kid.
"I want someone to love me when I'm angry at markers".
Ok. That's it. I'll explain later.
12:27pm
She's asleep. Thank God she's asleep. I'm hoping this will be the thing. Moms are always searching for a thing, ya know? The kids have plenty of things going on, but Moms have to spend extra time trying to find the WHAT IN THE HOLY HAND GRENADE IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD?! thing.
Sometimes it's a nap. Sometimes it's a little outside time. Sometimes it's a few teething tablets, and sometimes it's a whole ring of Double Stuffed Oreos while watching Sing on Netflix for the 5th time that week. Today my thing was a Dr. Pepper and a chili dog. It just made everything better.
Colette usually isn't so hard to figure out, but today she's been a Rubik's cube. It all started this morning. I was gone until 8:30 for a morning meeting and when I walked through the door, Jared told me she was already having a rough time. No big deal. She's been having grumpy wake-ups lately. Around 9, however, she got to where I couldn't even leave the room without her screaming "No" repeatedly. She threw a marker at me because she couldn't get it open.
My kid colors with markers. I know she's 18months, but she's gotta learn. The most difficult part is not keeping it on the paper. It's getting the cap on and off. She's gotten so much better, but sometimes it's still a bit tricky. Today, she absolutely lost it over a tricky cap. She threw the marker and began a full on kicking, sobbing, and screaming fit. I tried to console her, but she just kept getting angrier, pushing me in the process. It was so bad that I had to walk away. She had already been in Time Out twice. I had already tried many distracters. Nothing was working. Colette needed to figure it out on her own. I headed to the computer and typed down my thought.
After I typed down my thought, I took a deep breath, got up from my computer and behind me, Cola was holding her arms out for me pick her up. Snot running down her nose and into her mouth. Red rings around her puffy eyes and matted hair from rolling around on the rug in her fit of rage.
Is this how Jesus sees me? When I'm mad at markers, and pushing away his love. Is this how I look?
God, teach me how to love her like you'd love me.
She curled up into my arms, rubbed her nose into my neck and we walked back into the playroom. We sat down and I put her hands underneath mine, on both ends of the marker and pulled. It popped right off. She smiled that glowing "everything is ok now, Mama" smile and I melted in the moment that God was giving me.
I know it wasn't the marker. It's never the marker. It's all the things leading up to the marker.
Colette may be battling an oncoming sickness, she may be feeling some anxiety brought on by lack of sleep, she could be super whiny because she just doesn't know how to fully communicate yet. The marker was just one more thing that was getting in the way of her feeling like her normal self. So it set her off.
When I have a Marker Moment (let's go for full on cheese here), Jared and the people closest to me have to walk away. I look absolutely ridiculous to them and they don't know how to handle me. Only Jesus can handle me in that moment. I can be screaming about a dirty living room, deep down hurting over the actual dirt in my own heart. Suddenly everyone around me is lazy and insensitive, all because I'm feeling unappreciated and worthless to the people I love.
Only Jesus can bring me to the point where I'll curl up and trust someone again. Only Jesus can sit with me and teach me how to get through it, putting that glowing "Everything is ok now" smile back on my face.
1:16pm
She just woke up from her nap. She's playing in the ball pit and feeding her baby an array of fake foods. I guess the nap was "the thing". For now.
In a minute she'll want to go outside and that will be the new thing. Right after that, she'll beg me to go play upstairs and wrestle on my bed.
Later on in the day, she'll want to color. With markers.
Because it's never the "markers" that were upset with. It's the idea that we'll never get it open. It's the idea that we'll never change. That we'll never overcome it. Thank God for His helping hand. Thank God that we can trust Him to see us through.
Because it's never the "markers" that were upset with. It's the idea that we'll never get it open. It's the idea that we'll never change. That we'll never overcome it. Thank God for His helping hand. Thank God that we can trust Him to see us through.
